We are on the cusp of another month gone by and although there will be a few more days that are probably a bit cooler than you and I would both care for, it will soon be spring. Unfortunately the world around us doesn’t seem to be any safer. As if terrorists weren’t enough to worry about, we now must worry about marauding bands of wild turkeys keeping people in their cars. If you ask me this is another in the long line of animals that have been recruited by the DNR to create complete havoc in our lives.
It all started with the deer. You know that they are just allowed to roam at will and even have been given preferential treatment by the Department of Transportation as signs have been installed across Iowa giving deer places to cross the road. I am quite certain that the body shops all got together and paid off someone to set up these special “deer crossings” just to get us all to think that the deer were actually going to use them. You and I are forced to cross in a crosswalk that is only three to four foot wide, yet deer are allowed miles of highway in which to pick their place. The real problem here is that there are no DNR officers ticketing deer for jaywalking when they cross in places other than where it has been posted by the DOT.
Then the deer got out of hand so what did we do? Yeah we went out and traded another state some turtles or fish for bobcats and mountain lions. People soon spotted them, mostly because bobcats and mountain lions are very poor at hide and seek and using proper costuming. Have you ever seen a bobcat hired as an international spy? Of course you haven’t. It became a larger problem when people got nervous about them. We Iowans can deal with the coyote and even the occasional dead raccoon on the road but we draw the line when it comes to large cats that should be in a zoo. It was only after a couple of the bobcat spies were captured with DNR identification on them, did the powers that be fess up and admit they brought them in.
And if the deer and wild cats weren’t enough to make you crazy, then some super brain decided that Asian beetles were a great idea. I’m not sure who thought this was a good idea to ship in the stinky little bugs that try to pass themselves up as cute lady bugs but can find a way to defy anything short of being sucked up in a vacuum. If you happen to know who funded this or played the Asian beetle flute bringing them here would you let me know so I can give them a swift kick placed in a specific region of the body on behalf of all of us who have to deal with them.
So now we have wild turkeys running amuck not allowing people in West Des Moines to get out of their cars. I can’t really blame the turkeys for this as I think that most people from WDSM probably deserve some sort of treatment like this since they think that Nebraska begins at the Booneville exit on the interstate anyway. I’m probably going to get into trouble for saying this, but my guess is the turkeys were hired by the folks at Merle Hay and Valley West Malls to get back at the people who built Jordan Creek. If this wasn’t true then why did the city of Norwalk suddenly start turning kangaroos loose to keep the riff raff out of their fair city? It was a genius move if you ask me…who in their right mind would expect to be tracked by kangaroos in Iowa?
The only thing left is for the Des Moines Waterworks to hire some honey badgers and Orca whales to keep track of nitrate levels on the Raccoon River. If that happens, God help us all. See you next week…remember, we’re all in this together.